Reap and Sow

“For whatever a man sows that only is what he will reap” – Galatians 6:7

Have you ever been told that attitude is everything? My high school basketball coach used to say it all the time. Our team shirts that we would wear on game day had that phrase printed on the back. To be honest, I never really paid much attention to it. It seems like the cliché phrase that everyone preaches to you. Looking back, I wish I would have realized the power of that mindset long ago.

The way you think, the way you speak, who you surround yourself with… it all plays a part in your daily life. Whether you think so or not. Our attitude towards our life is a reflection of the lives that we lead. And sometimes, that’s a scary concept to face.

I know for myself, it’s much simpler to remain in the negative. I have a very bitter, harsh, sense of humor, and I find myself getting caught up in quite often. It’s much easier to stay in what feels normal, and I was very comfortable being negative. And I never noticed how much that really impacted my mood, my relationships, my work, and so on.

Think about it – everyone knows the process of planting a flower. We can see the seed and we know the process of planting. So it’s no surprise when the type of flower we planted blooms. Yet, with words, with thoughts, with our attitudes, it’s not something we can see. We can’t see the tangible evidence of our internal being.

But, we need to start looking at it. Start examining our internal self. A gardener doesn’t plant flowers and expect to have tomatoes grow. Why would be plant our mindset in negativity and expect a positive outlook.

Challenge yourself to see the blessings in life. Surround yourself with people who keep you in the positive mindset. The whole way you see the world can, and will, change when you shift your attitude for the better.

All my love,
Sara

On the Inside

This season of my life is the first in five years that I feel I am truly living a life in recovery.

My eating disorder controlled me, captivated me, interested me, and gave me purpose. When I was active in my eating disorder, I did nothing put fixate on it. My one goal in life was to be the smallest that me that I ever could. To take up as little space in the world as possible. To feel that sense of control while restricting my food intake.

However, an eating disorder is utterly defeating, exhausting, and painful. I came to a point in my life – and not everyone is there yet, and that’s okay – where I wanted more. I wanted more than waking up in the morning and obsessing about every calorie that I ate. I wanted more than being chained down to food rituals and rules that my mind had set for me. I wanted more.

I entered into treatment back in 2011 for the first time. I did everything I was supposed to do. I spoke in groups, I ate my meals, I went to therapy, and I was put on medication. And I thrived… for a while. And when I left treatment to return in the real world, I landed right back in a year later.

Having an eating disorder and being a Christian was something that I struggled with. I knew, I had learned, that if I truly loved God then how could I be so destructive to myself? Wasn’t my body a temple? Isn’t that what scripture told me? The thought of being so self-destructive was shameful for me, and it fueled my addiction. I was so embarrassed at the fact that I did not love my body that I had to punish it more.

I don’t think that I am alone with my thinking. When you have an eating disorder you can rationalize anything – even when they make no logical sense.

How could I turn to God when I was being such a sinner? When I was in treatment, I did not talk to God as often as I needed to. I was too ashamed. And I’ve realized, as I look back, that’s why I did not thrive in recovery outside of treatment.

In treatment, in a controlled environment, it’s easier to eat your meals, to talk about your feelings, to use healthy coping skills, so why think about using God and facing those hard feelings of shame, right?

I was the poster child for forced prayer. I would pray and pray and pray that could fix my fixation that I had with my body. I prayed for God to just let me love myself at the weight that I was at.

I came across a verse, one now that hangs in my home, and it says this:

“If we live, we live for the Lord. If we die, we go to be with the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the lord” – Romans 14:7-8.

That verse opened my eyes. I belong to the Lord – my soul, my mind, my heart – belongs to the Lord. Yes, my body is a temple, and I am so much more than that. Now, when I pray I pray that He fixes my heart. My prayers and pleas always had to with my illness, never about me. It was always, “take this away from me, let me see that I am beautiful too” instead of “open my heart, let me see the good that’s underneath the skin”.

Eating disorders are not about hating your body, it’s about hating who you are at your core. So when I prayed for God to take away my disorder, I was missing the root. I need to pray that God heal me of my self-hatred in my heart. Since I’ve been actively inviting the Holy Spirit into my essence, my soul, I’ve noticed a wonderful difference. When you work on the root cause of your disorder, it diminishes, it lessens in power.

Our Savior is stronger than any self-hatred and He can change your heart, if you invite Him in and let Him work.

I give a lot of credit to my treatment team, I would be not be here without them, but the true pivotal moment in my recovery is when I realized that I belong to the Lord. He, and he alone, can change me in my heart. When I let that sink in I started to fully heal. When you let the Lord love your heart, you learn to love your heart.

Where do you find yourself on this journey right now? Do you find yourself praying that God open your heart to see the beautiful soul you are?

Do you pray that God open your heart to see the beauty He has created in you? Are you stuck on some outside issue, when the real problem is inside? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Your challenge this week is to try something new; it’s powerful stuff.

All my love,
Sara

The Blame Game

The Duggar family is not a stranger to controversy and conversation. With their extreme religious beliefs and their NINETEEN children they came into the spotlight in society. But, now they are making headlines for a whole new reason.

Josh Duggar, the eldest of the clan, has been accused of, and admitted to molesting his younger sisters. This would certainly shake up a family dynamic, and it has… but not for the obvious reasons.

Most would think that Josh Duggar would become the one that the family would turn against. However, it seems to look like the younger sisters in the family are the ones that are going to be cast aside. Back when the charges and this accusation first came about, Jim Bob and Michelle (Josh’s parent’s) were completely aware of what happened between Josh and his siblings. And instead of protecting their girls, they had a police officer give Josh a “stern talk” and tried to get him help. Nothing came out stating that they tried to help the girls… nothing stated that the girls were loved, supported, and heard through out the horrific situation of their older brother, a person they loved and trusted, violating them in the worst way.

In fact, every single statement out of the Duggar family has been about Josh. Josh’s remorse, Josh’s repentance. Josh himself even made a statement saying, “I knew I needed to change or it would ruin my life”.

Yes, you read that right… if he kept molesting his sisters, it would ruin HIS life. Hey, Josh.. what about the fact that you were ruining your sister’s lives… Did that thought ever cross your mind?

“God forgives Josh”. What about the forgiveness of his VICTIMS? You know, the ones that had their lives completely flipped upside down.

That’s the issue with this – the fact that the entire thing revolves around Josh, when the focus should be on the girls. Getting the girls help, making sure that they were able to come to terms with what happened. When police investigated one of the youngest girls said that she still does not “feel safe”. Why is no one concerned with that? I’ll tell you why, because we live in a society where Rape Culture runs us. People would rather look to place blame on the victims than come to terms with the fact that someone could do something so horrible. Even when there is an admission of guilt by the perpetrator, we still don’t hold them to a standard of responsibility; we justify it… “he’s sorry” “he’s forgiven” “he’s gotten help” “he’s made up for it”. It does not matter. It will never matter to those girls how many times he apologizes, how much good he does… he stole something that he had no right to take.

If you want to tell me that this situation is alright, and that rape culture doesn’t exist – sit down.

I pray for those children. Not for Josh, who made a choice, but for the girls who have to deal with something no one should. I pray to God that TLC cancels that show and pulls every penny they paid them.

– Sara

Kids Counting Calories?

I was shocked to learn this past week that at some high schools part of their Physical Education curriculum is to have their students write and record everything eat for an entire week and record their daily caloric intake.

Now, normally, I am pretty immune to calorie counting. It’s a pretty common thing among adults in our society. When people hear the word calorie they automatically link it to dieting. Dieting implies restriction. Restriction is not something that sustainable, for anyone, especially for children… yet, this is what we are going to be teaching?

If weight maintenance or loss is something that we need to teach our children about then we need to go about it in the right way. And there is a proper way to do so. Instead of focusing on calories we can teach kids about nutritional value. About good fats versus bad fats. About the importance of carbohydrates for our bodies, and so on. Instead of the importance of dieting. Dieting (restriction) almost always ignores the nutritional value of food, which is critical in the development of children and teenagers. .

Basic points: 
Instead of preaching calorie counting and dieting, teach:
– nutritional value of food (good fats v. bad fats)
– portion control
– importance of moderation

Most diets fail. And when diets fail, kids feel the failure. And when kids feel failure, it leads to low self-esteem, low confidence. Introducing calorie counting also exposes vulnerable children and teenagers to the risk of developing an eating disorder. People with eating disorders carry a gene in their brains and that gene gets triggered and something as simple being forced to count every single calorie that goes into their body for an entire week can trigger that gene.

I am not saying that teaching children in the school system the proper way to take care of their bodies is not important, but there is a correct way to do it. Calorie counting is not the way to do it, restricting caloric intake is a short-lived weight loss tip, and does not teach any nutritional value and we have an ethical duty to teach our children the correct way to live a healthy lifestyle.

– S

Perfectly Imperfect

I’ve been struggling. I go through these phases, about every six months or so where I just lose track of what I am doing. I’ve been hesitant to even admit that I’ve been having a hard time, because that means I am not perfect. And not being perfect terrifies me. You see, for someone with an eating disorder, I am overcome by thoughts of being this perfect person. Perfectly thin. Perfectly beautiful. Perfectly worthy. The word “perfection” haunts me.

However, when I started my recovery journey I took the word perfect and applied it in a different sense. I was no longer going to be perfect at being sick, but I was going to be perfect at being well. I was going to be this recovery rock star and people would see how perfect I was at getting my life on track. My disease – my mindset of wanting and striving for perfection – didn’t get better in recovery, it just took on a different form. I think that, sadly, happens for a lot of other girls and women out there. I mentor, I advise, I am in constant contact with many other people who struggle. I love helping, I love advocating. And I see time and time again, even with myself, that we in recovery hold this belief that recovery is going to mean that we do not ever struggle…

When I have a hard time in recovery I get weighed down with a lot of shame. Shame for not being able to control myself, shame for not being able to just move past everything, shame that I am listening to other girls’ struggles when I still have my own. When this happens I just sink into this pit of despair. I don’t know how to ask for help, I don’t know how to stand up for myself, and eventually it all catches up, it takes its toll and I find myself on the verge of relapse. 

I’ve done this time and time and time again. And you know what I am starting to realize? I’m finally figuring it out that I do not have to be perfect, and no one expects me to be. I’m finally realizing that recovery isn’t easy. Recovery is going to come with good days and bad days. Recovery is going to be up and down, and full of mistakes. And guess what… that’s alright. You can fall, you just have to remember that you have to get back up at some point. You can’t let the mistakes overshadow all the triumphs you’ve had. You don’t have to hold onto this mindset that if you’re in recovery, you’re completely healed. That’s not the case.

I’ve done this cycle many times, and I want you all to learn and to know, you’re are not going to be perfect. You’re going to mess up, you’re going to have days when you don’t do so well. The important thing is to know this, to acknowledge this, and not let the embarrassment or the shame keep you from going back up. You can have a bad day and still be a role model. You can show others, and prove it to yourself, that perfection actually comes from being imperfect. Imperfection is real. Imperfection is what happens with recovery.

Don’t stop yourself from getting the help you need and deserve at risk of looking imperfect. It’s nothing to be ashamed or afraid of it. It’s what happens. I’ve learned that I’m going to help a lot more people if I’m being honest about what recovery looks like, I encourage you guys to do the same.

All my love,
Sara

The Insane Cycles

in·san·i·ty (inˈsanitē/)

noun 

 

Albert Einstein once said that the true definition of insanity was doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. I have to say, I’m inclined to agree with him. However, it doesn’t stop us from playing into destructive roles over and over again that we just can’t seem to break out of. It doesn’t stop us from restricting, or overeating, or purging, or self-harming, or drinking, or using, or engaging with and around toxic people. So how do we stop the madness? When do we finally reach the point of “enough is enough”? Aren’t we sick of doing the same viscous things over and over again?

We engage in self-destructive behaviors because we feel we deserve it. But do you know what we really deserve? We deserve the chance to engage in a happy and healthy lifestyle. We deserve to live a life that God would be proud of. And the way to reach this mindset is to change your perspective. I tell women all the time – what good is it doing for anyone for you to hate yourself? What are you, or what is anyone else for that matter, getting out of you being cruel to yourself and to your body? We need to shift our outlooks, we need to realize that we have control, that we can, in fact, break these cycles of doing the same insane things over again. We are not completely helpless like our addictions and diseases make us out to be.

You have the power to wake up in the morning and make the day productive. You have the power to choose how you lead your life. Recovery is a day to day, a second to second, choice. You fall off the wagon one minute, and there is always another minute to jump back on. When you fall into these cycles it’s hard to break out, it’s so comforting to just continue on doing what you know how to do, but to re-emphasis good old Einstein up there… it’s just going to lead to craziness. It’s comforting to stay within your destructive safety-zone but it’s going to drive you insane. I’ve been there, I’ve seen it, and chances are you have too.

Do something healthy for a change. Take a nice walk, dance around your room with your iPod, play with your pet. Do something besides sit around thinking about all the reasons that you hate yourself. I was shocked when I heard this question… “If you sat down and listed how many things you loved… how long would it take you for you to say yourself”. You have the authority to write your own story, no one else gets to do that unless you let them.

Break the cycle. Change your perspective. Start living the way you were made to.

All my love,

Sara

What makes beauty?

Perfectly winged eyeliner: beautiful. Porcelain skin: beautiful. Ruby red lips: beautiful. Toned and slim body: beautiful. Long golden beach-waved hair: beautiful.

Guess what ladies, contrary to popular belief there is so much more to beauty than appearance. When I say the word “beautiful” I bet the things I mentioned up above, or somethings along those lines, popped into your head. When we think of beauty we think of outward appearance. We think of the celebrities that we would kill to look like, we think of the girl in our high school class that was drop-dead gorgeous. But do we ever really think about what is under the looks? Do we ever really challenge ourselves to look past what the eye can see and delve into something deeper? I’ll admit, I’m pretty bad at it. I’m a 20 year old lady, I care about the way I look, the way I dress, the way others perceive me… but I have to remind myself that what I look like is not who I am.

Beauty is so much more than being best dressed, or wearing the prettiest makeup. It’s about being a good person. It’s about having a compassionate heart. It’s about living a life that God is proud of. It’s about so much more than what we bring to this world physically.

Yesterday I encountered true beauty – and it wasn’t in the form of a pretty picture, or an attractive woman that I saw in passing. I encountered beauty in someone’s actions. I was talking to someone that holds a pretty big influence in my life. And yesterday, I was sharing something really embarrassing, really shameful, for me. I thought for sure that she would pass judgement. And she turned and looked at me and said, “I still love you the same as I did when you walked in this door”. Now, don’t get me wrong, this woman is attractive, put together, and has the cutest clothes. But in that moment I wasn’t thinking about that, I was thinking about how nice and caring she was. I was thinking about how she was as a person, and how happy she made me feel. I looked at her and I saw beauty in her heart. 

What if we started looking at beauty in that form? In what lies inside people’s hearts, in what people do with their actions, in what they say when people are in a time of need. What if instead of criticizing other people and ourselves we focus on the good qualities we all possess?

Beauty is a preconceived idea that derives from society. We have the power to redefine what it means, but we have to be willing. We have to start looking at what matters. And what matters is on the inside. So take off the makeup, put your hair up, and focus on the good that is inside of you heart, and inside of others’ hearts. I can almost guarantee that you’re going to start seeing a lot more beautiful things if you look at something more deeply. At the end of all of this, people are going to remember how you made them feel, what it is you gave back, whether or not you lived with His purpose in mind. They aren’t going to care about what clothes you wore or how pretty your hair looked. So, make an effort, make a change, and instead of knit-picking your appearance, you need to look at what is in on the inside and what kind of person you want to be – then start taking steps that ensure that happens.

All my love.

Justice is Served?

 

So, as many of you know, I am a complete Law and Order: SVU fanatic. I love Mariska Hargitay and all that she does for survivors of abuse. And I love the strong will and resilience of her character Olivia Benson. Last nights episode was, without a doubt, the most difficult episode I have ever watched. For those of you who do not watch the show, here is a re-cap:

Olivia Benson was kidnapped and assaulted for four days by a sadist, William Lewis. Olivia came out as a survivor but not without developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and some depression. The character now goes to therapy routinely and shows survivors of the show just how difficult the healing process can be.

Last nights episode feature Lewis’s return to the show for an all out battle in the justice system. The episode showed Olivia on the stand being ripped apart by the defense council on how she “flirted” with the defendant, and “wanted” the assault that she got. The episode was powerful and heartbreaking because we, as an audience, watched as one of the strongest female heroins on television was completely shattered by the court system. She was humiliated, she was blamed, and she was disrespected. In the end the verdict was in her favor, but even with a win under her belt we watched her break down at the end of the episode, alone. And even though she “won” it just did not seem like it was enough.

And the whole time I was watching I couldn’t help but think of how accurate the show writers portrayed a trial.  It was one of the most remarkable performances I have seen by the entire cast. The emotions that were displayed were dead on and it really captured how heartbreaking facing your abuser is.

Facing your abuser is one of the most painful experiences that I can think of. I’ve gone through the system myself and the episode hit way too close to home. It’s completely humiliating to sit up there in front of family, friends, and strangers and tell them what it was that happened to you. Even if you have a support system, you still feel completely alone in what you are going through. As much as the end of the episode broke my heart, I think it was accurate. She went, alone, and broke down in anger and sadness. That’s how it feels. Like all these people are starring at you, judging you, labeling you. And there is not anything you can do to stop it. The court tells you that you have to share every intimate detail in order to get the justice you deserve. And the “justice” you get does not compare to what you have to go through to rebuild yourself as a human being.

As the show ended I found myself in tears, reaching out to my support system, and was able to just say, “this is not fair”. I was able to just vent and explain that it was not right that I had to sit and make it known what had happened. It was right that I was even put in the position where I had to make that choice. I did not want that, I did not ask for that. So, I let myself feel the anger and sadness that I had inside me. Which is completely normal, sometimes being upset by what happened is good for you. It is not good for you when you let your anger and sadness take over your life. Its not okay to define yourself as a victim with no hope of moving forward. 

When I woke up this morning, I must say, I felt a lot different, I told myself that I wasn’t going to feel bad today. I wasn’t going to let my past define me. I had this complete new perspective on my situation and on the court system. As rough as going through that whole process was, I acknowledged my situation. I acknowledged that what happened was wrong. I acknowledged that it was not my fault. And people bore witness to it. I was heard. I realized that it did not matter how many years my abuser got in jail, all that mattered was that I stood up for what was right. The court system is messed up, and that is a topic for another blog post, but in the end I cannot change anything about it. But I can change my perspective. I can take on the negative mindset that I still did not get the justice I felt I was worthy of, or I could hold my head up high and know that people took me seriously – even if it did not happen in the best way. If you went through this and you did not get the result you wanted, I want you to know that I hear you. I see you. I believe you. And I cannot take away your pain, but I will support you until you can restore yourself to who you want to be.

If you are one of the people going through the court  system, kudos. I applaud you on your strength and bravery. And if you feel like you cannot get through it I want you to remember this: if you were strong enough to survive the abuse, you are strong enough to survive the recovery. 

I do feel alone in being a survivor, but I have a support system that tries to understand the best that they can. I have a support system that loves me and listens to me. And each time I feel like I cannot heal on my own I have to turn to them for guidance and help. I encourage each and every one of you that is going through this healing process to reach out, seek support, seek the love that you are worthy of.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day, you’ll wake up and you are not going to feel broken.

All my love.

God and Eating Disorders? Can I Have Both?

I was asked this question yesterday.. “How do we, Christian women, deal with our negative body image?”

The first thing that came into my mind were the overdone “Your body is a temple” verses. To be honest though, I’m sick of hearing that. And when people did tell me that I was abusing my body so poorly it made me feel even more guilty, which would encourage me to act on behaviors more than I already was. So how can we, believers of Jesus, become more comfortable with who we are? What can we turn to in order to have that little piece of hope.

The scripture I turn to when I am dealing with this aspect of my eating disorder is this:

“For we are not the masters of our own lives; when we live, we live to please the Lord, when we die, we go to be with the Lord. In life and death we belong to the Lord.” – Romans 14:7-8.

When I first heard this verse I was not too sure of what it really meant. And many people have their own interpratations of what it is, and that’s okay. But I want to share mine too, and after hearing many different thoughts on this verse here is the conclusion that I’ve drawn. The verse is specifically saying that we are the Lord’s. I belong to Jesus. I live for Him. I can only find my true identity in Him. It’s such a freeing message. To me, I look at this, as a way of saying I don’t have to dwell on my body image. Because, frankly, body image doesn’t matter. Not to God.

I don’t have to try and “perfect” my body, because my body isn’t me. It’s not what I look like that matters. It’s what is on the inside. It’s what I am doing with my life. And if I am living life to please God, then I’m doing things right.

I don’t believe that I can life for Christ and worship my eating disorder at the same time. When I was in my addiction, it was the most important thing to me. It was what I lived for. What I wanted more than anything. But, as I healed I realized that being sick shouldn’t be my focal point in life. I should want to live for God, not my disease. I can’t worship God 100% if my eating disorder is present in my life. God wants us to depend and need Him. If I’m sick then I don’t even think about turning to Him, when I get stressed, mad, sad, angry, anything, I went to my eating disorder for help instead of God.

You can’t have both. You can love God and be sick. But you can’t live for God and be sick.

I’m asking all of you to just reflect on this a little bit. What is it that you really want to live for? What is is that you want to be remembered for? If you are struggling, there is hope to cling onto. You are not your body. You are God’s child, and He loves you.. you need to love yourself. Take the steps to get healthy and start living the way God intended for you.

Prayers to all.

A Successful Recovery..

So, you want to know why I can all of a sudden manage my life? Why I can sit down at a meal and just eat it? I’ll tell you why. Because I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength.

One of my biggest things I have learned throughout my recovery is how important it is to just depend on God. When I am disconnected from God, I am disconnected from my recovery.  I am not able to this – life, recovery – without Him. 

I grew up in the church, I grew up in a Christian household. I knew what I was supposed to do when I was in a rough spot, I knew I was supposed to turn to God. But I never really did. I had this superficial relationship with Him. I always thought that God could never love me. I was too bad. God wouldn’t be able to forgive all the wrongs that I had done in my life. I was the worst sinner throughout the entire world and God wouldn’t be able to look past it.

I realize now how wrong I was to think that. You know, what makes me the exception? Why can’t God love me? What makes me so horrible above everyone else. When I starting think that way, that’s when I came to know God’s love. 

If you read scripture than it’s clear to see that God loves all the broken people. And if you don’t really read it, then let me share some things with you. When Jesus came he loved everyone. He loved even that people that were deemed “unlovable” by the rest of the world. He loved murderers, thieves, adulterers, liars, the sick, the sinners. If Jesus could love them, then why can’t He love me? 

The answer to that question. Why can’t He love me? Simple, He can. He does. He loves everyone. He loves me. He loves you. The only thing that can prevent you having God’s love is you, yourself. Tear down that wall; accept the frightening fact that someone out their loves you unconditionally. 

I only do well in my recovery because I let God guide me. And trust me, it’s not always easy. I want to take control. I want to use my eating disorder. But I know that I can be in control of my life and fully, wholeheartedly, love God. There is such a peace in laying down all my problems to Him. There’s a power in saying, “I can’t do this on my own, and I need His help”. He is willing to listen, if you are willing to go to Him. He won’t turn you down or reject you. He knows your heart, and your struggles. 

Believing in God makes me new, it makes me pure. He redeems me. And when I get in my head He is the only one who can pull me out. As a survivor of abuse it’s easy to get caught up in thinking that I am dirty, or un-pure, or gross. But if I have God on my side than I am born again, and I am new in Him. It doesn’t matter where I have been or what has happened. He makes me new.

You can choose Christ at anytime, any where. You were forgiven when Jesus died on that cross. You were forgiven before you were even born. Jesus died for us knowing that there was a possibility that we might not even love Him back; that speaks volume for God’s love. 

Accept it and know it, friends. God loves you. Love yourself. Stop holding onto all the things that you think make you a terrible person. Let them go, let God hold them for you. If you take steps to make that happen you will realize your whole world can change.

All my love,